The Control Queen

It is time to admit that I have inherited certain traits that are not entirely pleasant. Shocka! I loathe uncertainty, and suffer from a tooth-grinding need to understand that things are headed in the right direction, at all times. Never mind that this is a rather unrealistic approach to life, which rarely works out in favor of the controlling personality—it's how my brain is wired.

On the other hand, an individual with controlling characteristics can be highly organized, productive, and handle many responsibilities at once. They can also be annoying to themselves and others and create unneeded stress by sweating both the small AND the big stuff.

We adopted a yellow lab rescue pup a few weeks ago, and despite being the cutest furball on the planet, he has come with a very high price tag. He's been in and out of the animal hospital with serious infections from the first day he entered our home, and was unfortunately diagnosed with distemper. This nasty virus apparently kills half of dogs that contract it -- and we are in the gray area for a few more weeks.

Sweet little Parker has finally overcome his pneumonia and respiratory infections, but lately has developed a twitch, accompanied with heartbreaking whimpering. Is this the beginning of the end? I cannot know. We are doing everything we can for this dog -- lots of love, an aggressive treatment regime, high-quality food, a comfortable bed, fresh air and the best of veterinarian care. The vet bills are now taking place of a possible beach vacation for us next year, but I don't care if he can just survive. I worry incessantly. The Ambien is out of the medicine cabinet again. Will he make it? Is he in pain or just annoyed when he whines? These are the worst kind of unknowns. I'm going to have to just let it go -- even though letting go is definitely not my thing. I come from a long line of hard-charging matriarchs who don’t accept no for an answer!

Our need to control must relate to the fundamental fear of something bad happening. It's not as if nothing bad has ever happened to me, right? I'm still here. If I can tone down my control queen tendencies, I’m sure I can deal better with any outcome and the journey, too. What do I need, people-- more yoga and green tea, or a psycho-therapist?

New Year's Resolution #1: Slow down, babe.

For many of us, 2009 wasn't an easy year. So far, I can’t say 2010 is remarkably better; in fact I feel even more exhausted lately. But for working moms, is life ever easy? Sure, it's rewarding, to work in a job that you (mostly) love and to have an active hand in raising your kids and being deeply involved in their sweet and sometimes cranky little selves. I feel lucky to "have it all." Yet sometimes I need to take a step back and make sure that I am not trying to do everything 110%. There's a danger in that. A good friend of mine recently shared her struggles from overdoing it:

"As for me, after learning that I officially stressed and fatigued my adrenals and messed up my electrolytes, all of which was contributing to many other medical issues, I have/am learning to slow down and not take on too much all the time. Be careful -- true adrenal fatigue is almost becoming an epidemic with women 30-50."

Even though the Mayo Clinic website says that "adrenal fatigue" is not an acceptable medical diagnosis, I do believe my friend when she tells me that her body has suffered from stress and now that she has changed her lifestyle by doing less, eating better, and drinking less alcohol and caffeine, she feels like a new person.

For myself, I know that I am susceptible to stress and will suffer from lack of regular exercise and too many late nights at the computer. In my early 20s, I had a serious spell of depression that put me into the hospital for a bit. Since then, I've always been highly cognizant of my limits. Taking it easy, however, doesn't exactly jive with my genes; I am a person of many ambitions and interests, bred from a hard-charging woman who is a type-A doer. Yet, I know when to say no. I volunteer a few times a month in my daughter's classroom but on some days I just have to e-mail the teacher and apologize that I am not going to make it. I try and purge all guilt from my head after doing so, even though I know how much these teachers need and appreciate the help. Okay, stop, I'm doing it again. No guilt, I said no guilt!

But ultimately, I know the consequences of stuffing my schedule too tight: I get panicky, exceptionally snippy with the kids and hubby, angry, frustrated, and then I don't sleep well. I'm an exercise fanatic, but I have to accept the fact that sometimes a 20-minute walk with my dog is going to have to suffice instead of a trip to the gym. (The beauty of that is, my dog is very happy with the choice) Life happens. Sometimes you just have to roll with it and accept a lower standard, despite whatever impossibly high standards you have set for yourself.

All of us need to learn to recognize and honor the warning signs: consistent changes in appetite, sleep patterns, mood, motivation, and sociability. When I am overly-frazzled and overdone altogether, I simply don't want to be around other people. I don't care how fun and cute they are. Deep down inside I can hear my inner voice chanting: "Come on, get dressed, have fun, get out there." When I just can't do it, I know it's time to scale back. Do you?

Frazzled friends, I welcome your coping strategies for when life seems overwhelming. I'm never going to achieve everything that I want to, because I fear the consequences of doing and doing until I am brain dead. In the meantime, remember, these feelings of inadequacy too shall pass. On that note, I'm shutting off the computer, eating a brownie, taking a bath, and going to bed early. I think.