The Home Office: Haven or Hell?

You happily left the serenity of your air conditioned office to work from home, so you could have more quality time with the kids. Now instead of the boss, the little monsters are yanking your chain. Did you make a big, sticky mistake?

Today, my friend Howard shared with me a San Jose Mercury News story about the challenges of stay-at-home working parents. I don't know why he thinks I would care -- after all, it's not like I work at home and have two loud youngsters or anything. Oh, wait. It was the dream I had two nights ago about working in a quiet office wearing grown-up clothes that was untrue.

On most days, I wouldn't give up my situation for anything. Instead of spending two hours a day dressing, primping and driving to and from an office, I maximize time with my kids. I get to go to their swim meets and baseball practices and help them with homework after school. I save money on gas and nice outfits. I am my own boss and for the most part, set my own schedule. I almost never have to attend a useless meeting instead of working out.

Even so, summertime has reminded me how distracting and unproductive working at home with kids can be at times -- even, or perhaps because of, hiring babysitters. Here's an interesting quote from the Mercury News article: “A recent study by TheBump.com and Forbes Woman showed that, while 92 percent of working moms are stressed out, 89 percent of stay-at-home moms feel the same way. Parents say much of the stress comes from trying to give both work and kids enough time, especially when children are used to getting attention when mom is around.”

Kids find you like a heat-seeking missile when you least expect nor want them. They are genetically wired to interrupt you during an important business call or deadline with a screaming crisis concerning misplaced items or a dessert emergency. The worst arguments between siblings always seem to happen when you're swamped. Babysitters are by and large inept at keeping children occupied with acceptable activities and out of parents’ offices, unless they are over the age of 25, and with significant life experience. Good luck there! Grandmothers are often not much better. The smart, creative, nurturing, patient and highly responsible babysitters are usually former teachers and you can't afford their (deserved, granted) astronomical hourly rates. To be blunt: sometimes it's a real pain in the ass to work from home.

Sadly, I have no advice to share about this, after five years of doing it. But if you're a parent and thinking about giving up the office job for the blessed home-office gig, think twice. Do you have the balls to maintain discipline, clarity of purpose, and when needed, install and use the lock on your office door? Can you discover a coping method for the madness of working when the kids are home, other than twisting opening a bottle of Jack?

If so, enjoy the ride. It's fun, rewarding, and challenging to work from home -- but it's rarely smooth.

On Wishes, Dreams and Pet Projects

When we graduated college, we all had grandiose dreams. Then life got in the way. We got ambitious, and decided to climb the ladder. Maybe we moved around for different jobs. We made new friends, traveled and experienced all kinds of adventures. Pretty soon, some of us found a life partner. We got married, took an overpriced honeymoon, got domestic, perhaps got a little crazy because we knew kids might be coming. And pretty soon the kids came. The babies took over our lives and our emotional state of being. The days consisted of laundry, feedings, doctor appointments, blockading toddlers from every possible danger in the house, preparing healthy organic meals for growing bodies, baby gym, baby swim classes, baby art, teething, exhaustion. Then the kids got older and started school, giving you 6.5 hours of uninterrupted work time. That's liberating for a while....but then one day you stop in the middle of writing an email and remember the dusty old dream. You post a note on your office wall with the dream in bright letters...and it sits there for a few months. You begin to hate the note.

Then one night you set your alarm for 5 a.m., and the next morning you get up after hitting the snooze button five times and start working on your dream. Some days you don't get up, or your work takes over, but the next day you get up and go at it again.

It doesn't matter matter what your dream is: maybe it's getting in shape or learning how to make the perfect crème brûlée or going to church again. Maybe it's writing a book or novella, which is mine. A dream may change over time, but the point is: pick one no matter how small or big and work on it until it's done or until you've realized it wasn't the dream your really wanted after all. If that's the case, change your dream into another pursuit. I have no idea where my dream journey will lead me or if I will abandon it eventually. I'm afraid about giving up in boredom and disillusionment, or not having the time or energy to keep chasing after it. I am deeply afraid of failure.

Our lives are filled to the brim with work, family, parenting and trying to stay healthy so we can meet our grandkids someday. It often feels like there's no room for anything else. But if you can, make time for that something else. It might lead you somewhere completely unexpected.

Happy dreaming! What's yours?

Ok. let me clarify...

It's possible that my last post was a tad, er, ungrateful. Summer is critical for kids. I have many happy memories of summers swimming, camping and road trips with my family and playing in the sun with my friends. And, I reduced my work schedule this summer to a 3-day week so that I could spend time hanging with my girls.  So to make things clear: summer is still awesome. But, well, read on...it sometimes is a real pain in the arse for the working parent...

Something’s Gotta Give

Just for the record, there's no such thing as "work-life balance." But you already knew that. At the moment, I'm trying to improve my work-sleep balance, yet until we get through with this cross-country move, forget about it. (We are moving from the Bay Area to the Denver area in August, to be near extended family and make a change that we think will be better for our family for the long-term.)

Beyond working (or trying to), researching schools, packing up, seeing friends, and all the millions of details corresponding to moving your family to another city, my state of frazzledom is at an all-time high. Most working parents would agree -- and you don't even have to be moving to experience these feelings of chaos.

My good friend and work-at-home mom Joanna suggested I cover the topic of "what gives" which I have to say is always top of mind for me. We can't "do it all" even though we want to—so it's always a smart idea every several months to take stock of everything you have going on and to weed out a few things. And it's also an even better idea to prioritize how you're spending your time.

For me, here's what's most essential today in my life:

1. Three to fours hours of rejuvenating sleep per night during the week.
2. Spending time with my kids and occasionally even having a conversation with my husband.
3. Exercising rigorously at least 15 minutes per week to compensate for my chocolate habit.
4. Working at least enough to pay for daycare, girls nights, and miscellaneous items like groceries.
5. Reading at least 5 minutes, of any text whatsoever, before passing out in bed.

After that, comes the following:

1. Seeing friends.
2. Keeping the house relatively clean and with a walking path cleared at all times.

Here are the things that I no longer do, and possibly never did:

1. Shower every morning (ah, one of the lovely benefits of working from home).
2. Style my hair and wear cute, coordinated outfits (unless of course I'm actually getting out of the house to do something fun).
3. Make home-cooked meals every night.
4. Chat on the phone with friends and family (other than my mom).
5. Print photos and put them into albums.
6. Volunteer.


It's not that I wouldn’t like doing these things, but there's just no time at the moment.
And that's my message here: what must you keep and what must you get rid of to maintain your sanity?

Decide, before you implode. I'm always curious to know what other people have opted not to do any longer, or still do but in a modified fashion. For instance, I love to cook but most weeknights I am pulling something out of the freezer such as chicken tenders, fish sticks, veggie burgers, or throwing together a quick spaghetti and salad dinner, veggie stir-fry, or kitchen sink burrito. My husband and I don't use recipes too much anyway, but we certainly don't cook anything that takes longer than 10 minutes to prepare during the week. We still eat healthy, and buy fresh produce, but I can't beat myself up over the fact that my work day ends exactly when my kids are starving. There's just no patience for slow cooking around here.

I'm also fascinated by those people who are proficient when it comes to being highly efficient: making their kids’ lunches the night before, laying out their children's clothes the night before to avoid early-morning arguments about why a four-year-old cannot wear her holiday party dress to preschool, doing menu planning for the week and shopping on Sunday, having organic groceries delivered to their door, and a number of other strategies which of course I rarely deploy myself.

One thing I am excellent about, I must admit, is organizing my life on my iPhone. If I don't have all those tasks and calendar items right there at my fingertips, they will be forgotten, neglected, and my life will be in even a more hopeless state of disarray than it is now. Thank you, Apple, and thank you to my obsessive-compulsive, detail-oriented mother for those productivity genes.

What are your secrets? Please, write me and do tell.

I just have one final thing to add here, which is of the highest importance: if your spouse does not equally help with household and kid-related tasks, figure out a way to divvy them up pronto. In our house, I pretty much handle the playdates and social calendar, school details/tasks, homework supervision, doctor appointments, and a lot of the errands and shopping. My husband does a lot of the cooking, folds the laundry, helps clean and pick up, and does the hideous job of taxes and financial management. He also is a genius at playing tickle monster with the girls when I need a break. If your spouse cannot handle such responsibilities, I advise you to find a new one at your earliest convenience. And I'm dreadfully sorry, but mine is not available.