Just for the record, there's no such thing as "work-life balance." But you already knew that. At the moment, I'm trying to improve my work-sleep balance, yet until we get through with this cross-country move, forget about it. (We are moving from the Bay Area to the Denver area in August, to be near extended family and make a change that we think will be better for our family for the long-term.)Beyond working (or trying to), researching schools, packing up, seeing friends, and all the millions of details corresponding to moving your family to another city, my state of frazzledom is at an all-time high. Most working parents would agree -- and you don't even have to be moving to experience these feelings of chaos.
My good friend and work-at-home mom Joanna suggested I cover the topic of "what gives" which I have to say is always top of mind for me. We can't "do it all" even though we want to—so it's always a smart idea every several months to take stock of everything you have going on and to weed out a few things. And it's also an even better idea to prioritize how you're spending your time.
For me, here's what's most essential today in my life:
1. Three to fours hours of rejuvenating sleep per night during the week.
2. Spending time with my kids and occasionally even having a conversation with my husband.
3. Exercising rigorously at least 15 minutes per week to compensate for my chocolate habit.
4. Working at least enough to pay for daycare, girls nights, and miscellaneous items like groceries.
5. Reading at least 5 minutes, of any text whatsoever, before passing out in bed.
After that, comes the following:
1. Seeing friends.
2. Keeping the house relatively clean and with a walking path cleared at all times.
Here are the things that I no longer do, and possibly never did:
1. Shower every morning (ah, one of the lovely benefits of working from home).
2. Style my hair and wear cute, coordinated outfits (unless of course I'm actually getting out of the house to do something fun).
3. Make home-cooked meals every night.
4. Chat on the phone with friends and family (other than my mom).
5. Print photos and put them into albums.
6. Volunteer.
It's not that I wouldn’t like doing these things, but there's just no time at the moment.
And that's my message here: what must you keep and what must you get rid of to maintain your sanity?
Decide, before you implode. I'm always curious to know what other people have opted not to do any longer, or still do but in a modified fashion. For instance, I love to cook but most weeknights I am pulling something out of the freezer such as chicken tenders, fish sticks, veggie burgers, or throwing together a quick spaghetti and salad dinner, veggie stir-fry, or kitchen sink burrito. My husband and I don't use recipes too much anyway, but we certainly don't cook anything that takes longer than 10 minutes to prepare during the week. We still eat healthy, and buy fresh produce, but I can't beat myself up over the fact that my work day ends exactly when my kids are starving. There's just no patience for slow cooking around here.
I'm also fascinated by those people who are proficient when it comes to being highly efficient: making their kids’ lunches the night before, laying out their children's clothes the night before to avoid early-morning arguments about why a four-year-old cannot wear her holiday party dress to preschool, doing menu planning for the week and shopping on Sunday, having organic groceries delivered to their door, and a number of other strategies which of course I rarely deploy myself.
One thing I am excellent about, I must admit, is organizing my life on my iPhone. If I don't have all those tasks and calendar items right there at my fingertips, they will be forgotten, neglected, and my life will be in even a more hopeless state of disarray than it is now. Thank you, Apple, and thank you to my obsessive-compulsive, detail-oriented mother for those productivity genes.
What are your secrets? Please, write me and do tell.
I just have one final thing to add here, which is of the highest importance: if your spouse does not equally help with household and kid-related tasks, figure out a way to divvy them up pronto. In our house, I pretty much handle the playdates and social calendar, school details/tasks, homework supervision, doctor appointments, and a lot of the errands and shopping. My husband does a lot of the cooking, folds the laundry, helps clean and pick up, and does the hideous job of taxes and financial management. He also is a genius at playing tickle monster with the girls when I need a break. If your spouse cannot handle such responsibilities, I advise you to find a new one at your earliest convenience. And I'm dreadfully sorry, but mine is not available.
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So much to say about this great blog entry, but, for now, let me just say, "Amen, sister!" When I told my friends six years ago that "work-life balance" was a myth created by men to get working women to work harder (!), they thought I was cynical...and not trying hard enough! You are right, somethings have got to go.
ReplyDeleteFor me, right now, I have had to give up the expense of coloring (for me it is a preventative necessity) and cutting my hair. My hair is now long and I wear it mostly pulled back into a ponytail. I still think of myself as "blond bob with buttery chunks of highlights", but many people I've met over the past couple of years know me as silver ponytail. Oh well. I've learned in the process that my hair has nothing to do with my life as a mother, wife, worker, friend, community member, etc.
I hope to get back to it at some point, but for now, well, I'm accepting my hair this way and taking the "I've got to figure out how to get this done" off the list. For now! :)
Janet
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI read recently that you really do have to consciously put out of your mind all of those things you "should" be doing or THINK you should be doing (volunteering regularly, cardio AND strength training AND yoga/stretching of some sort, contributing in a meaningful way to every aspect of your life and your kids' lives, etc., etc.) and be content to settle for what you NEED to be doing. It's a tall order because you really end up feeling like you're allowing yourself to be "less" than whatever it is we're supposed to be, but it is also very liberating. Anyway, I gave up feeling like I need to be actively engaged with my boys at every moment to feel like I'm really there for them. I've settled for believing that - by eating dinner with them every night, picking them up and dropping them off from their various activities, changing their sheets on a regular basis, etc. - I am being a "real" parent. And when we have time to play game or do a project, that's awesome too. I've also given up on the idea of staying in touch with a broad group of people. Small circle for me, thanks. I'm sure there are lots of other things, but these are what come to mind ...
Hope you're well. We'll miss you!! Michele
Thanks ladies for your great insights. Here's to real women who refuse to try and do it all!!
ReplyDeleteGood post Polly. You're right on the money, there is no such thing as balance - Both Penelope Trunk and Suzy Welch have written on this and come to the same conclusions. As a friend once told me, you can do it all, just not all at once.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm doing well if I shower 5 days out of 7.
I wear coordinating outfits, but only because I now shop for myself twice a year when I have a party for one of those clothing lines that's available only through home sales (sounds cheesy but it works).
I swear by Safeway.com and my husband fills in when needed.
I volunteer for my kids' schools but make sure that most of what I do is writing related and something I can do at home - newsletters, auction catalogs, directories, press releases, etc., I've done them all.
I moved to the same town as my parents and siblings about 6 years ago so now if I call anybody it's rarely for more than a few minutes, we see each other or email.
I get up before anyone else to start working early or to work out.
We have house cleaners twice a month and I do what I can to keep things tidy in between, but the house doesn't look as good as it used to when I wasn't working.
I probably make dinner 3 to 4 days of the week. But the photo albums have been untouched for years, the picture still aren't rehung from when we had the inside of the house repainted in February and it took me two years to schedule a physical.
Do the best you can and be content knowing that it's enough.
Thanks for including spouses/partners in the equation! Raising children is a big and important job and even with us both working on the homefront and for money, we still need and ask for help from housecleaners, babysitters, takeout and delivery, coaches...
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm still learning to say NO to the things I think I should be doing: attending PTA meetings, sending our child to summer camp so I can work enough to pay for camp, and keeping current on FaceBook!