Parenting: The American Way

I'm getting a little tired of reading how parents in (or from) other countries are superior to American parents. First, we had Tiger mom Amy Chua, the Yale professor who practically beat her children on the head with a stick if they didn't practice piano and violin for five hours straight every day. Now, we have Mademoiselle Mama, the American woman living in Paris who marvels at the angelic behavior of French children, in this recent Wall Street Journal article:

“Why was it, for example, that in the hundreds of hours I'd clocked at French playgrounds, I'd never seen a child (except my own) throw a temper tantrum? Why didn't my French friends ever need to rush off the phone because their kids were demanding something? Why hadn't their living rooms been taken over by teepees and toy kitchens, the way ours had?”

All right, I get the message about waiting. Americans, and especially their kids, don’t appear to value this skill as much as their European counterparts. Sorry, Parisians. Maybe this proclivity toward impatience is why we've had more success in business. However, whenever I hear a mom saying that her 18-month-old still wakes up for a bottle in the middle of the night, I cringe. That's just not good for anyone. Please, allow the baby to learn how to cry it out a little bit so that both of you can finally sleep through the night.

Later in the article, the author alludes to the fact that Americans spend way too much time playing with and attending to their kids: "For me, the evenings are for the parents," one Parisian mother told me. "My daughter can be with us if she wants, but it's adult time."

With all due respect, here is my rebuttal to this latest assault on American parenting:

1. Temper tantrums: what's wrong with these? Frankly, I'm glad my kids had tantrums, even in public places. Toddlers are wound-up balls of energy and if those emotions and erratic impulses don't come out now, they surely will later -- when they're teenagers driving your car and out of sight doing God-knows-what. There’s been plenty of research on the positive benefits of tantrums. I’d much rather my child learn how to express their emotions when they are little, rather than grow up to be a passive-aggressive adult with pent-up anger and self-destructive tendencies.

2. Children who interrupt. Yes, whenever I get the phone the kids invariably tug on my sleeve and ask any number of non-urgent questions. Do I get off the phone? No. I simply ask said child to wait until I'm done. And usually, they actually manage to do so, even if they aren’t quiet about it. It's just not normal for Americans to have conversations with no interruptions. I don't think it's normal for Italians nor Greeks either -- and I think that's okay. Can you imagine if it was unacceptable to interrupt people who cannot finish a thought?

3. Living rooms as forts. Kids should engage in free play. They do not understand that such activity is confined to their bedrooms. And really, do I care that they're building a play restaurant in the dining room? Or that every blanket in the house is on the couch, wrapped around various stuffed animals for the "animal hospital"? I love the creativity and it's worth the mess. My couch pillows aren't too nice to be used for "hot lava” obstacle courses on the kitchen floor. It is tiresome that the house is a disaster more than 50 percent of the time, but at least the kids are using their brain in a healthy fashion -- which is more than I can say about playing video games all afternoon.

4. Independent play. I'm a staunch believer that kids need to learn how to play independently. In the evenings, however, when my girls have been at school and in afterschool activities all day and I've been working, I'm ready to hang with them! If my six-year old asks me to play "Trouble" for the fifth night in a row, I'll do it. The older they get, the less time they're going to want to spend with me, so I’m taking it now. I'll get a lot more "adult time" when the girls are in high school.

Parenting is all about setting the right balance for you and your family. I disagree with the Tiger mom philosophy of relentlessly pushing your kids to excel and not allowing them to engage in trivial activities such as play dates, nor the French mother philosophy of pretending that children are mini-adults. We all have different cultures, economic backgrounds and societal challenges -- which means that there's no right way to parent. Most of us do the best we can. There are days when I know I've been an unpleasant, easy-to-anger mother. I try to move on and do better the next day.

Can Americans do better? Well, yes. Americans are often helicopter parents, for one. I'm not sure why -- perhaps from our in-bred colonial ambition but also because our public schools suck. If we don't stand up for our kids, who will? We Americans can be a loud, outspoken bunch, so naturally our kids may seem like out-of-control, spoiled brats to parents in other countries. But maybe, some of our kids are just, loud? Could we push our kids harder and make them more accountable? Well, yes.

A little of the French way and a bit of the Chinese way is fine, here and there. But I'm an American, and I'll be damned if I won't parent the American way-- whatever that is.

Angry Birds

My colleague, Kevin Wolf, just wrote some thoughts on his blog about high expectations from both journalists and clients. I think he has some excellent points here. Highlights:

"Before sending a pitch, I read what I can about the journalist I’m targeting. I have about five minutes to spend on this because, in case you didn’t know, we’re targeting about 50 journalists per client at any given time.The pitches I develop are clear and concise. The journalists I target should be interested.

Often times I get an email response, but many times I don’t.

Reporters don’t like to be called, so when a reporter doesn’t respond to an email, I basically have no idea why the story I pitched isn’t a fit. Which means I have zero valuable feedback to share with my clients.  Oh, and by the way, clients don’t want to hear our feeble excuses. They pay for coverage, not empty analysis, and many have very high expectations. As a PR rep I’m always trying to “manage” expectations, but usually it comes off as sandbagging. I explain that PR is a process, exactly like sales. It takes time to woo a reporter."

Mending the Angry Rift between Journalists and PR

Journalists love to rant about PR people. I know -- because when I was a hard-core journalist I did the same. But usually, it was because I was too busy and I kept getting pitches that were totally irrelevant or simply lame and not well-articulated. This was back in the dot-com boom days when the hype factor was at an all-time high and there were way too many highly paid, inexperienced and untrained 23 year-olds doing PR. But lately, I've been reading a few rants of prominent technology journalists that have rubbed me the wrong way. Full disclosure: yes, I do media relations work in addition to my freelance writing work.

One young reporter mentioned in her rant that she wanted PR people to "entertain me!”

Another, more senior reporter, said that he would appreciate it if PR people would take some time to learn about his interests, such as his love of running, travel and cooking. If they couldn't be bothered with that, then maybe the publicity wasn't that important, he added.

Excuse me?

Since when is it the job of the source to entertain and/or comment about the reporter's recent triathlon or vacation on the Cape? When I worked as a technology reporter, my expectations were fairly simple: send me a storyline which is fresh and relevant to my beat, and be clear in the e-mail. That's it. I didn't expect anything else. Why do reporters today expect the royal treatment? I don't know. I suppose they are especially overworked and underpaid today, with editorial staffs and budgets remaining dangerously slim. They want to be treated extra special, in order to reply to an e-mail. But sorry, I refuse to play that game.

Here's what I do think is imperative:

1. Research reporters’ beats before pitching, because these days they do change frequently. Check out their latest links—and this doesn't mean you have to mention them in your e-mail, but understand where the guy/gal is coming from so you can align your pitch appropriately.

2. Don't assume that because a reporter covered something two months ago they still care. Mention the earlier story but share how your story is different and/or adds to the previous story.

3. Be polite and succinct in your communications and do a little extra work -- such as throwing in a few research statistics or quote from an industry expert that relate to the pitch.

4. Be careful about re-sending e-mails. Many reporters hate this although some don’t mind. If you're confident that the pitch relates and you know that the reporter was just at a conference or on vacation, go ahead and re-send it. But otherwise, tread lightly lest you become the "annoying PR person from hell."

5. Understand where the journos are coming from: Yes, you are being paid to get publicity but journalists are fiercely independent, enterprising and curious people. Deep down, they want to find the story on their own, not have it delivered to them from PR and marketing people. So instead of suggesting a specific story to write, suggest some angles and how your source can help.

5. Consider the value of objective, bylined articles from one of your company experts. Send a short paragraph abstract. Do not advertise your company's products, services or benefits. Stay neutral. Websites need content these days, and if you have something new to say that is non-promotional and if you have someone on staff who can write well, go for it. Quick advice: Editors often say that they hate "Top 5" list stories but frankly, they sell with readers because they make for a quick, entertaining scan.

6. Phone calls: many reporters won't pick up the phone but some do. If there's a need to call someone (and make sure there is a good reason), start your call pleasantly with "Hi this is Sam with Widgets, Inc. Do you have a minute or are you on a deadline?" If they say go ahead, then don't spend more than a minute. Quickly state what the company does and what's the news or reason for your call. If they reject your pitch, ask if you can stay in touch about (XYZ topics). This gives them an out to say no thank you, or provides a tip as to when you can reasonably contact them again.

There are many other useful media relations tips, but I believe that these above are the ones that matter most.

Now, a few words for journalists:

1. I know that it's all about page views, but at least in the tech world, journalists frequently cover the same handful of big, name-brand companies. I don't need to list them -- but it seems to me that many small and midsize companies out there deserve a bit more attention. Journalists are surely pushed by editors to continue covering the same story lines, but I wish that writers today could be a bit more enterprising in their coverage.

2. Don't be a jerk just because you can. If you're going to pick up your phone, and give someone a minute or two, don't hang up on them or butt in every 2 seconds. Be decent and respectful. There are, in fact, many smart PR folks out there!

3. If you want to be entertained, cajoled, or pampered-- please, just go to a movie or book a spa appointment. There's really not that many funny marketing people in the world and like you, they’re too busy and budget-constrained to research every journalist’s personal interests and twitter posts.

4. Reply, occasionally. If you receive a pitch from a PR person that is smart, well-crafted and relates to your beat, but you don't have time to cover it, send a quick note back with "thanks but no thanks right now." I know you get a ton of e-mail, but sometimes it's worthwhile to write back. You never know what that person can bring you later.

5. Give feedback. Take a minute to tell a PR person exactly what you want or don't want, if he or she is someone that you'd like to continue to hear from down the road. That way, the next e-mail will be more targeted to your needs. You might say: I wouldn't cover your company nor its products outright, but I might cover one of their customers if they can demonstrate (XYZ characteristics/trends)

PR and journalism will always have an antagonistic relationship-- and that's good. But managing expectations on both sides of the fence can help us all be more productive.

I'm Still Here

I know I haven't blogged for a while, but I will, soon. #holidays, #sick, #overworked.

P.S. Did you know that Moms DO get sick sometimes? But unlike when our precious children blow their nose for the first time, we ignore it for two weeks before dragging our tail to the family doc at which point a simple virus has progressed into a full-blown bacterial infection requiring two expensive pharmaceuticals and ample rest time. As if.

Control Queen: Part II

My puppy died a few days after writing that last blog post. I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and asking why (a control queen characteristic) and starting to accept the outcome. He must've been needed somewhere else, for some purpose forever unknown to us. We loved him for a few very short and blissful weeks! God bless you Parker. Now you are a sweet puppy angel, with no suffering.

The Control Queen

It is time to admit that I have inherited certain traits that are not entirely pleasant. Shocka! I loathe uncertainty, and suffer from a tooth-grinding need to understand that things are headed in the right direction, at all times. Never mind that this is a rather unrealistic approach to life, which rarely works out in favor of the controlling personality—it's how my brain is wired.

On the other hand, an individual with controlling characteristics can be highly organized, productive, and handle many responsibilities at once. They can also be annoying to themselves and others and create unneeded stress by sweating both the small AND the big stuff.

We adopted a yellow lab rescue pup a few weeks ago, and despite being the cutest furball on the planet, he has come with a very high price tag. He's been in and out of the animal hospital with serious infections from the first day he entered our home, and was unfortunately diagnosed with distemper. This nasty virus apparently kills half of dogs that contract it -- and we are in the gray area for a few more weeks.

Sweet little Parker has finally overcome his pneumonia and respiratory infections, but lately has developed a twitch, accompanied with heartbreaking whimpering. Is this the beginning of the end? I cannot know. We are doing everything we can for this dog -- lots of love, an aggressive treatment regime, high-quality food, a comfortable bed, fresh air and the best of veterinarian care. The vet bills are now taking place of a possible beach vacation for us next year, but I don't care if he can just survive. I worry incessantly. The Ambien is out of the medicine cabinet again. Will he make it? Is he in pain or just annoyed when he whines? These are the worst kind of unknowns. I'm going to have to just let it go -- even though letting go is definitely not my thing. I come from a long line of hard-charging matriarchs who don’t accept no for an answer!

Our need to control must relate to the fundamental fear of something bad happening. It's not as if nothing bad has ever happened to me, right? I'm still here. If I can tone down my control queen tendencies, I’m sure I can deal better with any outcome and the journey, too. What do I need, people-- more yoga and green tea, or a psycho-therapist?

Social Media: a Waste of Your Company’s Time?

By Polly Traylor

There's a wealth of content on the Web about how to maximize your social media presence and gain the most from this exciting new media. But wait: should your business spend much time on social media in the first place? For small companies, the ROI can be tricky. You probably have a small marketing staff, and it's unlikely you can dedicate even one person to a social media program. Despite popular messaging from social media pros on the ease-of-use and affordability of social media, it's actually a time-consuming and increasingly complex marketing vehicle. If you want results, you'll need to spend time on quality content, regular updates, community interaction and integration of your social media pages with SEO and overall marketing strategies. You've also got to keep pace with new features and privacy issues of top social media channels. Can you justify the time?

The first determination is whether your customers are hanging out on social media -- and on which sites. Do your targets regularly use social media for researching products and services in your space? If you're not sure, you'd better find out.

Secondly, you need a distinct plan and a strategy. Most marketing experts don't advise ad-hoc social media posting. How will social media fit into your overall marketing program?

Thirdly, you have to measure social media marketing efforts regularly. This is usually not expensive -- but it does take time and diligence.

Recently, I wrote an article for Business on Main, a Sprint-sponsored community for small businesses on the MSN network: "Are You Wasting Your Time on Facebook and Twitter?”. The story was an attempt to shatter a few myths about social media marketing. Here’s an excerpt:

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"The cost issues are critical for a small business," says Paul Verna, senior analyst with eMarketer. Larger companies can afford to hire an agency or even a team of people to handle the time-consuming chores of creating content, making regular updates and monitoring corporate social media pages. A small company may only have a part-time resource. “Even having one person dedicated to your social media profile better have an intense payoff at the other end," Verna warns.

It's no wonder that a recent Hiscox survey of more than 300 participants found that just 12 percent of small companies described social media as a "must" for their marketing and promotional strategies, and nearly 50 percent of respondents aren’t using social media at all.

"Most people go on Facebook to connect with people like family and friends or to play games, and they really don't care about your ball-bearing company," observes Mark Schaefer, a blogger and consultant in social media marketing. "At the end of the day, you have to go to where your customers are.”

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While social media can be a useful investment for many small businesses, Facebook and Twitter aren't always the top choices. Twitter is an excellent vehicle for science and technology companies and communities. Facebook can be fantastic for consumer goods and services. But don't forget: there's also LinkedIn, YouTube, Yahoo and AOL communities, your company's blog, industry discussion forums and local social media sites. As Facebook and Twitter grow larger, their steady flow of new features may be overkill for small businesses. This article on Social Media Today does a nice job of outlining the issues with Facebook, and offers some helpful alternatives.

Before jumping into social media, understand your choices, customer preferences, and if social media is likely to meet company goals. If it still seems worthwhile and you know which sites will resonate with customers, start small. Once you start posting regularly and develop a community of followers, you have set an expectation for activity.